Showing posts with label Giler. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Giler. Show all posts

06 April 2011

10 Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1

Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.

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Commandment 2

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.

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Commandment 3

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

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Commandment 4

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

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Commandment 5

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

***********

Commandment 6

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

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Commandment 7

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

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Commandment 8

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.

But the law allows only one wife.

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Commandment 9

Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.

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Commandment 10

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

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Bonus Commandment ( Story )

A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled,

.

.

.

.

.


"It really works!"

09 December 2010

MIScommunication

Memo from CEO to Manager:



Memo from Manager to Department Head:




Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

Memo from Floor Manager to Supervisor:



Memo from Supervisor to Staff:

05 November 2010

Your wife’s rating to your actions

How To Take Care Of Your Wife


In the world, one single rule applies to the men: Make the Woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:


SIMPLE DUTIES

-You make the bed (+1)

-You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
-You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
-You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
In the rain (+8)
But return with cigarette (-5)
-You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something(+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)


SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

-You stay by her side the entire party (0)

-You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college buddy (-2)
Named Tina (-4)
Tina is a model (-10)


HER BIRTHDAY

-You take her out to dinner (0)
-You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
-And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
-It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)


A NIGHT OUT

-You take her to a movie (+2)

-You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
-You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
-You take her to a movie you like (-2)
-It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
-You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)


YOUR PHYSIQUE

-You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
-You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it
(+10)
-You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
-You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)


ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

-She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter
WHAT]
-You hesitate in responding (-10)
-You reply, "Where?" (-35)
-Any other response (-20)


COMMUNICATION

-When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen,displaying
what looks like a concerned expression (0)
-You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
-You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV
(+500)
-She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

31 August 2010

Never Ask Designers

Story goes :

Shannon (the secretary) has lost her cat and has asked David (the graphic designer) to help with a lost poster. This is their email correspondence...
Read from top to bottom….

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am

To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster


Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.



This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.

Thanks,
Shan.


From:David Thorne

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Poster


Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news.
Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.

Regards,
David.


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am

To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster


Yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.


From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster


Dear Shannon,
I never said I don't like cats. Attached poster as requested.

Regards,
David.





From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am

To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am

To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster


Dear Shannon,
It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.

Regards,
David.


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am

To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster


Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am

To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.

Regards,
David.




From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am

To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster





From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am

To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,
I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter. I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.

Regards,
David.




From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am

To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am

To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.

Regards,
David.


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww


Please just use the photo I gave you.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm

To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww





From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm

To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit.

Thanks,
Shan.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm

To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww




From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww




From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm

To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


Fine! That will have to do.


06 July 2010

We(O)Man



1 . (Whatever)
Men: What should we have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why don't we have Mexican?
Women: No not Mexican, the last time I got pimples on my face
Men: Alright, why don't we have Szechwan cuisine
Women: Yesterday we ate Szechwan , today too?
Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is not good, I got diarrhea
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women : Whatever..


2. (Anything)
Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching a movie? It's been a long time
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's a waste of time
Men: How about we go for bowling, or some exercises?
Women: Exercise on such a hot day?
Men: Then find a cafe and have a drink
Women: I am off caffeine
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: Anything


3. (You decide)
Men: Then do we just go home?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's take the bus, I will accompany you
Women: The bus is dirty and crowded.
Men: OK; we will take a cab
Women: Not worth it... For such a short distance
Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather
Women: I am hungry, can't walk.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first?
Women: Whatever...
Men: What shall we eat?
Women: Anything..


4. (ANYTIME.)..
Men: At what time do I have to call you?
Women: Any time as u wish
Men: But last time when I call u in the morning u didn't pick up?
Women: I was sleeping.
Men: OK; when I try to call you around 11 am u didn't pick up?
Women: I was shopping with my mother
Men: So, when I try to call you around 2-3 u didn't pick up?
Women: I was tired and relaxing.
Men: Then what about 5 PM?
Women: I was watching a cartoon.
Men: So, then why didn't you pick u phone in the night?
Women: I was studying
Men: Ok then tell me which time is the most convenience time for you to talk.
Women:
Anytime.

01 July 2010

Help Me Please

Berkurun dah puzzle ni tak settle2 lagik. So barang siapa yang rajin lagi bijak bistari untuk tolong saya solve the puzzle, sila klik SINI untuk muat turun puzzle yang memeningkan kepala otak ni. And, please let me know kalau dah berjaya tu. Sekian, tima kasih.

25 January 2010

Do You Think Like A Psychopath?

Read this question, come up with an answer. This is not a trick question.


A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought the man was amazing. She believed him to be her dream hero so much so that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question:

What is her motive for killing her sister?

Give this some thought before you look at the answer below.









Answer:


She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This supposedly was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.

Several arrested serial killers were given test and answered the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you. If you did,admit it, and look for a good doctor.

09 December 2009

Cerita Berantai

Boss berkata kepada Secretary : Kita akan outstation selama seminggu, jadi aturkan segalanya

Secretary menelefon Suaminya : Untuk seminggu boss saya dan saya akan outstation, awak pandai2 jaga diri nanti

Suami menelefon Buah Hatinya : Isteri saya akan outstation selama seminggu, jadi mari kita habiskan masa bersama-sama

Buah Hati menelefon Murid tuisyennya : Saya kene bekerja selama seminggu, jadi awak tak perlu datang untuk tuisyen

Murid tuisyen tersebut menelefon atuknya yang juga merupakan bos kepada secretary: Atuk, untuk seminggu saya takde kelas sebab cikgu saya sibuk. Mari kita habiskan masa bersama

Atuk (Boss) menelefon Secretary : Minggu ni saya nak abiskan masa bersama cucu saya.. Batalkan outstation tu

Secretary menelefon Suaminya : Minggu ni boss saya ade kerja, kami dah membatalkan outstation tu

Suami menelefon Buah Hatinya : Kita tak dapat nak habiskan masa bersama untuk minggu ni, isteri saya tak jadi outstation

Buah Hati menelefon Murid Tuisyennya : Minggu ni kelas tuisyen mcm biase

Murid Tuisyen menelefon Atuknya : Atuk, cikgu saya cakap minggu ni saya kene pergi kelas tuisyen. Sori, saya tak bleh temankan atuk.

Atuk(Boss) menelefon Secretary : Minggu ni kita jadi outstation. Jadi uruskan semuanya..

eKa say;

aiyoo....bila mau abis ini mcm

13 November 2009

Apakah anda penggemar kangkung

Saya mendapat cerita ini dari seorang teman, tapi saya lupa
di negara mana, yang jelas antara Singapura /Malaysia.

Pada suatu hari di klinik yang terkenal, semua doktor kebingungan kerana ada seorang anak kecil yang menderita sakit perut. Anak itu dibawa ke klinik oleh orang tuanya setelah 2 hari mengalami diarrhoea. Sudah bermacam ubat sakit perut yang diberikan kepada anak itu, namun diarrhoeanya tidak juga sembuh.

Di klinik ibu bapa anak tersebut ditanya oleh doktor, makanan apa yang dimakan oleh anak tersebut selama 2 hari ini.Ibu Bapa anak itu kebingungan, kerana sejak anaknya mengalami diarrhoea, anak tersebut tidak mau makan. Dia hanya minum susu, dan itu pun akan dimuntahkan semula.Setelah dikaji, ternyata sebelum menderita diarrhoea, malam sebelumnya anak tersebut telah diajak makan kangkung di restoran oleh ibu bapanya.

Doktor segera melakukan xray, dan ternyata di usus anak tersebut telah
berkembang biak lintah dengan anaknya yang kecil-kecil. Doktor menyatakan tidak dapat berbuat apapun sehinggalah akhirnya anak malang itu meninggal dunia. Setelah dikaji, ternyata lintah itu sebelumnya berada di dalam batang kangkung yang besar. Memang, untuk penggemar kangkung, yang paling enak adalah batangnya. Lintah yang berada di dalam batang kangkung itu tidak akan mati walau dimasak selama
manapun, apa lagi untuk sayur kangkung di mana proses memasaknya tidak boleh terlalu lama untuk menghasilkan rasa kangkung yang enak. Lintah hanya akan mati jika
dibakar. Di dalam usus anak tadi, lintah yang tadinya hanya 1 dalam 2 hari berkembang biak dengan cepatnya karena terus menerus menghisap darah yang ada. Doktor juga kebingungan bagaimana mahu mematikan/membersih kan lintah yang telah membiak dengan sangat banyak dari dalam usus anak malang tersebut.

eka says;

Better check & make sure basuh bersih2 kalau nk masak sayur kangkung.

02 September 2009

Shocking news circulated in China

A town in Canton is now on trend taking baby herbal soup to increase health and sexual performance/stamina.. The cost in China currency = $4000. A factory managerwas interviewed and he testified that it is effective because he is a frequent customer.It is a delicacy whereby expensive herbs are added to boil the baby with chicken meat for 8 hours boiling/steaming.

He pointed to his second wife next to him, who is 19 (he is 62), and testified that they have sex everyday. After waiting for a co uple of weeks, he took this reporter to the restaurant when he was informed by restaurant Manager that the spare rib soup
local code for baby soup) was now available.

This time, it was a couple who have 2 daughters and this 3rd one was confirmed to be
a daughter again. So the couple aborted the baby which was 5 months old. Those babies
close to be born and die naturally costs 2000 in China currency. Those aborted ones cost a few hundreds in China Currency. Those couples who did not want to sell dead babies,placentas can be accepted also for couple of hundreds.

The reporter making comment that is this the problem arise from Chinese being taking
too much attention in health or is the backfire when China introduced one child in a
family policy (since majority prefers to have male babies and those poorer families
need ended up selling their female babies.)

This is so gross but at least we all know what is happening in this world.












eka says;

This is so sick!

Bila Lelaki Menjadi Dayus???

1) Membiarkan kecantikan aurat, bentuk tubuh isterinya dinikmati oleh lelaki lain sepanjang waktu pejabat (jika bekerja) atau di luar rumah....